I am obsessed with a terrible fear. It is greater than any fear of torture, burning, drowning, or being kidnapped. It looms larger than my natural fear of death. Fears of falling, of darkness, and of hunger are dwarfed in comparison to it. Beside it, any other fears that I possess are nothing.
I am afraid of being normal.
I am afraid that I will wake up one day and be just like everyone else. I am afraid that I will care about the things that normal people care about. I am afraid that I will live my life like billions of others on this planet do.
I am afraid that, like countless others, I will let life happen to me. I will sink below the waves of life as they crash past me, and eventually, in their wake, I will bounce up again. I will go along bobbing up and down in the sea of time and space, until one day a mighty wave will sweep me under, and I will never pop back up. I will sink to the bottom, disintegrate, and dissolve into the sand at the bottom of the ocean of dreams.
I do not want to be normal. I want to attack life with zest before it attacks me. I want time to be my servant, never my master. I want to run life as though it were a race, pushing back the obstacles and ultimately breaking the tape at the finish line to the cheers of an entire stadium. I want to meet the Master at the end, and hear His commendations on a race well run.
I am afraid of being normal because I've seen what happens to normal people. Normal people live normal lives, and have normal problems. When they die, they'll have the normal for all of eternity. I don't want that.
I want to have a different life. I want to fight bigger problems, and win. Because I have bigger battles, my victories will be sweeter. My joys will be more acute. Yes, my losses will be more tragic, but I will buckle up and try again.
Normal people care about normal things. They care about what they will eat, how they will pay the mortgage, what they will wear, when they can retire, how they can manage to get along with their families. They care mostly about keeping their heads above water.
I want God to plant my feet on higher ground. By His grace, I want to break away from the shallowness of a trite existence.
I don't want to care so much about normal things. I want to care about matters of eternal significance, life versus death and good versus evil. I want to care about things that are deeper than the temporal. Normal people don't change the world, but that's what I must do. It needs changing. Someone must get the ball rolling.
I feel guilty about things that don't even bother most people. I feel guilty because more than 3,000 innocent children are murdered every day in my country. I haven't killed any. I wasn't even alive on January 22, 1973. But still, I feel responsible. The shame is acute. I want to do something about it.
In spite of all this, I am afraid that I will become normal. I am afraid that I will wake up one morning and discover that my life is halfway over and I am just like everyone else I know. This has happened to others. It could happen to me, too.
It must never happen. By God's grace, it never will. I serve a God who is anything but 'normal', and I have no doubt that His plans for my life are not normal in the least.